You can’t see the forest for the trees. We’ve probably all heard that phrase at one time or another. What it means is we can lose sight of the bigger picture when we are too focused on the details. This can happen all too easily in parenting—on a number of levels. When it comes to discipline and training, we can be led astray when our focus is primarily on behavior rather than our child’s heart condition.
One of my favorite verses in Scripture is Proverbs 4:23, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life (NASB).” This verse underscores the importance of the heart. The very springs of life flow from it. If a well becomes polluted everyone who drinks from it is infected—whether a single family, or an entire community.
Not only is the heart the source of life, it also determines behavior. What we say and do is an expression of what’s in our hearts. That’s why Jesus and the new covenant focused on our hearts rather than our behavior as the Old Testament did. Jesus taught that outward things did not defile us, but rather what was inside us—in our hearts. Mark 7:21-23 says “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man (NASB).”
The things that your children say and do don’t just happen by chance. They are a reflection of their state of heart. Luke 6:45 reinforces this concept, “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart (NASB).”
Therefore, given these truths that our behavior is really a product of our heart condition, shouldn’t our primary focus be on transforming our child’s heart? Please understand that I’m not saying we don’t address bad behavior. Of course we require good behavior as parents. Just as God requires good behavior from us, we model and require good behavior from our children. But if all we are focusing on is changing behavior without addressing why the bad behavior showed up in the first place, then we will end up raising spiritually shallow christian adults at best, or hypocrites who honor God with their lips but their hearts are far from Him at worst.
Therefore your focus as parents is to pursue spiritual, heart transformation in yourselves first and then your children. When you are first concerned about their heart condition and their transformation into Christ-likeness, their behavior will eventually line up—not because you are making them behave, but because their behavior is a natural byproduct of their heart condition.
Raising your kids in this way will prime them to receive and hear from the Holy Spirit so that their faith in God and the choices they make come primarily from inside their heart—instead of pressure from outside. This is a healthy path to adulthood.
