Raising Kids as a Single Parent

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by Mary Perdue

How did we get here? The road to single parenting is always unique. While we each have our own story there is one thing we have in common, becoming a single parent was not in the plan. We were going to be a ‘family’ forever. Does this mean that we aren’t a ‘family’ any longer? Each of us bears the pain that is particular to our crushed dreams and expectations. Each of us experiences the frustration of trying to raise our kids alone or the frustration of trying to negotiate parenting decisions with an ex-spouse. Never mind that we live in a social system designed for two-parent ‘intact’ households. If we as adults are frustrated think how our kids must feel!

Dr. Kevin Lehman says, “It used to be that parents had a lot of kids. Nowadays, kids have a lot of parents!” This is our world today. Single parents remarry and voila kids have multiple sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.

There is great frustration and there is great joy in single parenting and co-parenting. I wanted to write a how-to book. I wanted to tell all single parents, all the ex-husbands, and all the ex-wives that there is a successful way to do this single parenting/co-parenting task before us. There isn’t a magical formula but there are things we can do to help minimize the fallout for our kids.

Coping with the Grief

First, I made sure that I was in counseling with a good, licensed counselor. My husband and I had been seeing a marriage counselor so it made sense to stay with the same counselor. This counselor knew me and my husband, and the dynamics of our relationship.

I surrounded myself with prayer warriors. I invited a group of women to meet at my house once a week to pray for my family. We did not discuss the details of the separation/divorce. We kept our focus on prayer.

I cut back on my activity level so that my kids and I could have more home time together to hang out, talk, pray, bake, paint, etc. Basically I set up ways for us to do things together at home so that they could open up when they needed to process their feelings. I allowed them to vent their anger, fears, and grief. After crying it out we would then pray together or talk about ways that we could see God working in our lives.

I attended a full-day Focus on the Family single parenting workshop run by a panel of speakers. Two of the speakers were single moms and they were very candid about a myriad of issues on becoming ‘single’ again as well as ‘single parenting’ issues. I read a lot of books on single parenting. I talked to other single parents and their kids and listened to what they did right and what they wished they had done differently. I researched and found an excellent divorce recovery group at a church that had been running the 13-week program for 30 years. They utilized Jim Smoke’s book Growing Through Divorce. It was an excellent program that focused on the stages of grief, working on your own recovery without victimizing yourself, and moving forward by establishing healthy goals.

There was a central theme to almost everything I read or attended on single parenting and that was to make sure I stayed spiritually full. I stayed in my Bible study group and kept my devotion time. While this was necessary to help keep me balanced (and sane) it was also a good model for my children.

Dealing with my grief allowed me to be a healthy and available mom for my kids as I continued to help them work through their grief process.

How the Divorce Still Affects My Kids

The divorce will affect my kids for the rest of their lives. Ask any adult whose parents were divorced and they will tell you that it was somehow significant in their lives. I try to help my kids understand that this is a part of their life but that their life doesn’t have to be defined by it. Meaning they will at times feel the loss again, as I do. When there is a moment like that it is OK and normal to feel sad, talk about it and grieve it if they need to, but they cannot allow themselves to stay victims in it.

My kids are normal kids. They have the same issues as any other teens or preteen with their same temperament or ‘bent’. They challenge me on their limits, which is part of their job. I remind them where the limits are, or negotiate new limits if need be, which is part of my job.

God Gave My Ex-Spouse the Same Three Kids He Gave Me!

I don’t ever criticize their dad in front of them, and I don’t allow anyone else to criticize him in front of them either. It is very important for single parents to model respect for their ex-spouse in their children’s presence. Kids are a part of both parents and they need to feel safe and secure in both relationships. If one parent is denigrating the other it makes the kids feel badly about themselves.

I provide a safe place for my kids to process their frustration whether their frustration is with a teacher, a teammate, their dad, or me. We talk about and deal with the issue. If they are having a problem with something their dad has said or done in particular I help them work through the problem respectfully. I remind them that while he isn’t perfect he loves them and is doing his best. It is the same speech I might give about me after I’ve apologized for something I have done.

Kids need to know that it is safe to process their feelings, frustrations, and anger about each parent with the other parent without that parent taking advantage of the situation and misusing it as a weapon against the other parent.

Kids of divorce have a lot to deal with. Teenagers of divorce have even more. They are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in school, new neighborhoods, and sometimes in new family units.

The bottom line is God gave my ex-husband the same three kids He gave to me. Together we are their parents. I owe it to my kids and my ex-husband to honor his role in their lives. Is this always easy? No way. It becomes easier with time and practice.

Co-Parenting with My Ex-Spouse

Married parents have disagreements on parenting issues so of course ex-spouses will have disagreements. I have found it helpful to remember this as my Ex and I discuss whatever the current issue is.

I had a clause added to our divorce agreement which stated that if my ex-husband and I couldn’t resolve an important parenting issue that we would meet at our old marriage counselor’s office to have the issue mediated by a third party. We have utilized this option a couple of times and it has been useful in helping us compromise.

Another helpful tool is the latest item we are using, a behavior contract for our teens. My ex-husband and I discussed and picked 5 behaviors that we both agreed were “musts”. We came up with consequences and rewards for those behaviors. This is truly helpful for our teens to feel like there is continuity in the major areas between both households and has been helpful for their dad and I to feel more like a team with the same goals.

Tips For Co-Parenting

Never Assume You Have All The Facts
This is an important tip to remember in co-parenting. Your kids will give you their version of a situation. Never jump to any conclusions based on your kids’ information. Always give your ex the opportunity to give his/her input or point of view regarding a situation. Our darling kids mean well but they are giving you a kids’ point of view that may not include all the facts.

Present Your Issues In a Non-Abrasive, Win-Win Manner
If at all possible, try presenting the current issue that you need your Ex’s cooperation on in a way that allows you both to have input. Don’t begin a conversation with “Why did you do that?” even if that is how you feel no one likes to be talked to like that and putting your Ex on the defense won’t help your kids. Try “Tell me about…” Keep focused on the goal of doing what’s best for your kids. You know your Ex and you remember what pushes his/her buttons. Do you want to work out the current child-related issue or do you want to pick a fight?

Keep the Communication Lines Open
This is tough sometimes I know. Find the method that works best for you and your ex. Sometimes it is a matter of asking what how they prefer to hear from you? It may be email, phone call or in person. Also be sure to communicate your preference.

Pray for Your Ex-Spouse
Pray for your ex-spouse. Pray for their current (or future) spouse. If you haven’t arrived at the stage of being able to wish well for them then let the fact that your kids are in that other household be a motivating factor for prayer. For your kids’ sake, pray that they have a wonderful, godly household.

Staying Connected with Your Teens

As our kids grow into teenagers we need to be creative in our parenting in order to stay connected with them. This time with your kids is only here for a short season.

They WILL NOT remember:
five-course meals
if every meal was square
if the floor was mopped every night, or
if the dishes were always washed and put away

They WILL remember:
the silly scavenger hunt around the house for “no special reason”
the sock wars
baking cookies together
playing handball against the garage, or throwing the football in the street until it is so dark you’re laughing because you can’t see the ball (but you know it’s coming because you hear it’s whistling sound)

One of my favorite things to do is to volunteer to drive my kids and their friends wherever they need to go. In this day of Instant Messenger we don’t get to ‘hear’ our kids conversations with friends like we did just a couple of years ago. When I drive them places I am privy to invaluable insight into their world. The conversations I hear are priceless.

Use the acronym LOVE to help you stay connected with your teens:

L – Listen more than you talk. Be a good listener. It is amazing what you will hear them saying and not saying. They really want to share their hopes, dreams and their fears if we give them a chance. You will find that your teenagers open up to you under different settings. One may be an early morning talker, one a late night talker and another may need just the two of you in the car for an extended drive. Try different scenarios and find what works for each of your kids and then make sure you provide that atmosphere for them as often as possible.

O – Offer your time and presence. A friend of mine, youth and family expert Dr. Jim Burns says that your kids view your very presence is a sign of caring. Create ways to have down time with your teens. It can take a lot of work on our part to create this down time but it is worth the effort. Go to their games, plays and recitals even if they ignore you they notice and they’re glad that you are there.

V – Value their point of view. As your kids become teenagers they need to start making decisions as often as possible in various areas of their lives. Ask them for their point of view in regards to family issues and decisions. This helps them to feel valued, allows them to gain practice and confidence in considering issues, and helps them to feel more grown up.

E – Embrace them physically. Don’t stop giving hugs and pats on the back when your kids turn into teenagers. While they may not readily run and hug you as often as they used to, they really need your affection. Many studies have been done on this with the same conclusion: Human beings need 10-12 meaningful touches a day.

Encouragement from One Single Parent to Another

Being a single parent usually begins way before the divorce process. As you start to recognize the symptoms of “things aren’t right here” you’ve already begun to compensate in your parenting role. Noted psychologist, Abraham Maslow’s theory of hierarchy of needs suggests that you will pour more energy and time into the areas of your life where you feel appreciated or rewarded. Often the parent left behind has already stepped up his/her activity level with the kids, work, volunteerism, etc.

By the time the divorce or separation is eminent you may find yourself overloaded with too many “good” activities. It is necessary to pull back to allow yourself time to handle the pain and work through the grieving process. This is so important because you will need to be there for your kids as they go through their own pain and grief.

The best advice I received while going through my divorce was to filter all my decisions through what is right for the kids. It makes decisions so easy! Eight years later I am still using this filter.

It is important to keep yourself surrounded by prayer warriors and seek a good, licensed, Godly counselor for those times that you need expert advice. You will need a safe place to vent your anger, hurt, and frustrations.

The most important encouragement I can give a person going through a divorce is what Jesus tells us in the Word that He is our husband and the father to the fatherless (in our homes). He promises to take care of our needs. Keep your eyes focused on Him.

Mary is a single mom who has raised three kids. 

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