Why Frustrating Your Kids is Good for Them

Home » Resources » Articles & Videos » Why Frustrating Your Kids is Good for Them

by Wayne Rice

There are many frustrated parents today who resort to giving their kids everything they want because they don’t have the time or strength of will to give them what they really need. They lavishly indulge their kids in an attempt to make their lives as comfortable and painless and stress-free as possible. Sounds like what you would do for a person on his or her deathbed, not someone who still has an entire life to live.

“Don’t frustrate your children,” taught the first wave of child-rearing psychologists. They taught that frustration is bad for children, that it causes insecurity, unhappiness, and low self-esteem in children–not to mention extensive damage to the vocal chords from inordinate amounts of screaming.

So parents did everything they could to spare their children frustration. They gave them everything they wanted, when they wanted it, requiring little or nothing from them in return. In the process, they managed to raise an entire generation of selfish, spoiled, demanding, and ungrateful kids.

Truth is, frustration isn’t bad for children at all. Through experience with frustration, children eventually develop a tolerance for it, accept its inevitability, and learn to cope with it.

All of us are familiar with the success stories of great men and women in history who overcame great obstacles in life in order to achieve seemingly impossible goals. While we are inspired by the perseverance and courage demonstrated by these heroic people, we sometimes don’t realize that these qualities weren’t handed to them on a silver platter. In most cases, they acquired them by being seriously deprived of most of the amenities of life that today’s kids routinely receive as a matter of course.

It’s no wonder so many young people today have a hard time accepting adult responsibility. Kids who grow up in a blissful state of premature affluence find it hard to accept that they may no longer be entitled to the same comforts they enjoyed as children. No wonder so many young adults choose to live with their parents even after they have found jobs. Why spend your own money on food and housing when you can spend it on cool stuff like new cars, nice clothes, expensive stereo equipment, ski trips, and fast computers. They don’t want to have to start at the bottom and work their way up.

Marketers sometimes call today’s generation the point-and-click generation, a reference to their having grown up believing that anything they want is available with a click of the mouse. Point-and-click kids believe that nothing is off-limits to them; they believe they are entitled to everything they want whenever they want it. This is not a completely new phenomenon, of course, but in the past it was limited to children of the superrich. Today it has trickled down to the lower middle class. Parents don’t have to be rich to overindulge their kids today.

No one intentionally handicaps their children by giving them too much. Overindulged kids are usually raised by good, well-meaning parents who have worked hard for what they have. They love their kids and just want to share with them the hard-won fruits of their labor. Good reasons abound for overindulgence.

Some parents fear confrontation or conflict with their kids. Of course, kids sense this vulnerability and seize it as a way to apply pressure and demand more and more. If they don’t get what they want, they punish their parents with additional anger, pouting, or withdrawal, shifting all the power in the family to the child.

Emotionally needy parents may fear rejection. They believe their kids will like them more if they shower them with things and grant their every wish. In reality, kids are more likely to learn that their parents are weak and easily manipulated. They may use overindulgence as a way to bribe their kids or win them over. This happens frequently when there are marital conflicts, differences in parenting styles, or divorced parents attempting to buy their children’s loyalty.

Harried and overworked parents often don’t have the emotional energy to deal with kids who whine, nag, and pester them for things they want. They give in rather than stand up for what they know is the right thing to do. Other busy parents feel guilty for not giving their kids enough time or attention, so they attempt to reduce their guilt by giving material things.

Some parents can’t resist “keeping up with the Joneses.” If the neighbor’s kids get a new bike or a new computer or a new Mercedes-Benz, the pressure is on. It’s not easy to teach kids to resist peer pressure when parents can’t handle it.

Maybe if parents learned to say no more often, kids would too.

“But my kids won’t take no for an answer.” Maybe that’s because they don’t hear it enough to understand what it means.

Kids with a healthy tolerance for frustration understand that no is neither an unreasonable nor unexpected response to many of the demands they make on others. Sometimes they will get a yes (for which they can be grateful), but they don’t require it nor feel overly distraught when they don’t get it.

“No” is actually one of the most character-building words in the English language. It provides young people with an opportunity to either overcome adversity or learn to live with it. Children whose parents aren’t afraid to say no eventually discover that things don’t always go their way. Sometimes they have to adapt and adjust to setbacks without taking everything personally or attacking those who are responsible for those setbacks. They learn both perseverance and resourcefulness, two very important qualities of character.

Parents shouldn’t say no to their kids all the time, in every situation, nor should they fight needless battles over unimportant issues. Teenagers can become resentful and rebellious when their parents aren’t willing to listen and grant reasonable requests.

But if your kids start expecting you to provide them with whatever they want, whenever and however they want it, you need to say no with conviction and strength. If you constantly cave into the demands of your kids, even when they are cloaked in syrupy hugs, kisses, and tears, you will absolutely guarantee manipulative, self-centered kids. Learn to say no and help your young adult develop a healthy tolerance for frustration and the confidence to overcome the challenges of life.

(Excerpted from Wayne Rice’s book, Cleared for Takeoff.)

Wayne is the founder and director of Understanding Your Teenager seminars. He began working with teenagers in 1963 and has authored numerous books for youth workers, parents, and teens including Junior High Ministry, Cleared for Takeoff, Enjoy Your Middle Schooler and Read This Book or You’re Grounded. He is also the co founder of Youth Specialties and a pretty good banjo player. He and his wife Marci live in Lakeside, California and have three grown children.

© HomeWord  www.homeword.com Used by permission.